We Are Not Pregnant.

It’s sweet. They mean well. But when people expect me to say “We’re pregnant!” I want to punch them in the face.

Here is why we are not pregnant.

1. Husbanks is not vomiting or dealing with an aversion to chicken.

2. Husbanks sure didn’t seem pregnant when he was smoking cigarettes and taking shots in Costa Rica. We didn’t look so pregnant then, now did weeeeeee?

3. Husbanks doesn’t have to check the labels on everything because he isn’t avoiding aspartame, caffeine, unpasteurized milk, deli meat (WTF?) or high fructose corn syrup. He can just eat things that look good while I feel the need to confess to someone before I touch any of the aforementioned items. Husbanks also gets to ride his bicycle. I’m enjoying my herbal tea, heated deli sandwiches (WTF?), caffeine-free natural sodas, and “low-impact” exercise, thank you.

Not.

4. People don’t tell Husbanks what he should and shouldn’t do. Sometimes, I am going to pick up a box or heavy bag. And other times I am going to eat something on the “no” food list. I picked up a cream cheese and ham pin wheel at a party and you would have thought I was strangling a kitten based on the looks I got while walking to my table. Husbanks has the freedom to eat all the ham pin wheels he wants.

5. Husbanks isn’t in a phase where he’s too small for maternity clothes but too big for his own “fat pants.” He just gets to wear his clothes.

6. Husbanks isn’t staring down the barrel at labor.

Want to know what we have done? We made a commitment to raise a child. And we are learning together how to deal with the raging bitch emotionally-charged woman I have become with these hormones.

God willing, this baby will be healthy and we will get a chance to raise it together. As a we. But until then? Stop making Husbanks a hero.

Hil Street – Out.