We Are Not Pregnant.

It’s sweet. They mean well. But when people expect me to say “We’re pregnant!” I want to punch them in the face.

Here is why we are not pregnant.

1. Husbanks is not vomiting or dealing with an aversion to chicken.

2. Husbanks sure didn’t seem pregnant when he was smoking cigarettes and taking shots in Costa Rica. We didn’t look so pregnant then, now did weeeeeee?

3. Husbanks doesn’t have to check the labels on everything because he isn’t avoiding aspartame, caffeine, unpasteurized milk, deli meat (WTF?) or high fructose corn syrup. He can just eat things that look good while I feel the need to confess to someone before I touch any of the aforementioned items. Husbanks also gets to ride his bicycle. I’m enjoying my herbal tea, heated deli sandwiches (WTF?), caffeine-free natural sodas, and “low-impact” exercise, thank you.

Not.

4. People don’t tell Husbanks what he should and shouldn’t do. Sometimes, I am going to pick up a box or heavy bag. And other times I am going to eat something on the “no” food list. I picked up a cream cheese and ham pin wheel at a party and you would have thought I was strangling a kitten based on the looks I got while walking to my table. Husbanks has the freedom to eat all the ham pin wheels he wants.

5. Husbanks isn’t in a phase where he’s too small for maternity clothes but too big for his own “fat pants.” He just gets to wear his clothes.

6. Husbanks isn’t staring down the barrel at labor.

Want to know what we have done? We made a commitment to raise a child. And we are learning together how to deal with the raging bitch emotionally-charged woman I have become with these hormones.

God willing, this baby will be healthy and we will get a chance to raise it together. As a we. But until then? Stop making Husbanks a hero.

Hil Street – Out.

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  1. #1 by b on May 25, 2010 - 10:24 am

    Funny! I forwarded this to Lisa. I’ve been careful to always say she is preggers not “we”!

  2. #2 by ellie on May 25, 2010 - 10:52 am

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. 🙂

  3. #3 by Sarah H on May 25, 2010 - 12:02 pm

    So noted!

  4. #4 by Stacie Sale on May 25, 2010 - 3:41 pm

    Hilarious!! I posted a link on our blog. Funny though- I am hating chicken right now too…what does that have to do with babies?

  5. #5 by Judy Kibiloski on May 25, 2010 - 8:22 pm

    Very well said, Hilary. As an elder stateswoman, I have struggled with the “we” in pregnant for a long time, because try as I may, I just cannot recall a corporate effort in the physical or the delicate emotional side of those nine months. Personally, I think you and Stacie should get about 99% of the credit for any pregnancy related accolades. It was wonderful to see you!

  6. #6 by husbanks on May 26, 2010 - 9:16 am

    Wait a second. If I didn’t do any work, why was I so tired after we conceived this child? Hmm? It took a lot out of me, and I’m pretty sure I had to take a nap afterward.

    • #7 by Sean on May 29, 2010 - 7:38 pm

      Ryan, I suppose this comment earned you a less-than-pleased look from the Mrs…. 🙂

  7. #8 by hilstreet on May 26, 2010 - 9:19 am

    OMG. OMG.

    O. M. G.

  8. #9 by Ginny on May 26, 2010 - 9:45 pm

    Too bad this isn’t like Facebook where I can turn Husbanks in for being inappropriate.

  9. #10 by hilstreet on May 26, 2010 - 10:31 pm

    Hilarious, Ginny!

  10. #11 by twat on May 27, 2010 - 7:07 pm

    I don’t understand the hostility towards husbanks over something that is biologically impossible. I mean, who do you think he is? A sea horse? And does he get mad that you can’t pee standing up? oh wait, “techincally” you can. Or how about ej**ulation? oh wait, I saw that episode of Sex & the City. I got one. For being paid less dollar per dollar than the average american male? Does he get upset? no.

    *sorry, husbanks. I tried. Clearly I failed, which is something men are far superior at than women.

  11. #12 by Jennifer on May 27, 2010 - 7:50 pm

    Just wait until you start to feel the baby move inside you. Then you’ll be happy that you are the one who is pregnant. But then, after the baby is born and your body is all wacky, you’ll be pissed again. ; )

  12. #13 by hilstreet on May 27, 2010 - 8:44 pm

    Oh, Travis. You are crazy. And you made Husbanks’ comment seem so tame. Well played, sir. Well played.

    Jen – you have the best mother advice. You always put things in a perspective I have never heard before.

  13. #14 by emiliekopp on May 28, 2010 - 12:58 pm

    Hilary, are you sure you want to take full credit for this pregnancy? Consider this: http://xkcd.com/746/

  14. #15 by Becky on May 31, 2010 - 6:01 pm

    Love this! Totally agree!

  15. #16 by tarathronson on June 6, 2010 - 7:51 pm

    Too funny. Husbanks better be smoking those cigs away from his babymama!

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