Alcohol Laws in the Bible Belt

Growing up in the Bible Belt, you run in and out of dry counties.  In Oklahoma, beer legally must have less alcohol compared to other states’ beer. Is that true, Blair? Or is that a bunk excuse Ellie and I used when we moved out of Oklahoma and had one too many brews?

Regardless,  my Bible-Belt upbringing has hindered me from being well-versed in “Alcohol Laws.” Also, I live in Texas where some people (you know who you are) believe that prohibition was a good idea.  Here is the proof that I am not well-versed in alcohol laws.

Exhibit A: I have had brunch champagne or white wine in my cart at the grocery store before noon on a Sunday. This is illegal in Texas. You must remove the champagne from your cart in front of everyone in line behind you at Whole Foods. You mumble, “I just came from church … I’m having friends over for a brunch…It’s a baby shower…” and they look at you more judging-ly. This once happened to Husbanks, but replace “champagne” with a “case of Budweiser.” That looked worse.

Exhibit B: Liquor is only at liquor stores in the Bible Belt. When I visited New Mexico for the first time, I was amazed at all the mini liquor bottles at the corner store. They made me uncomfortable. They shouldn’t have – the mini-bottles didn’t say anything rude to me, but they made me nervous because I felt like I was late to the airport. This is what happens when you grow up in the Bible Belt and only see mini-bottles on planes for the first few years of your life.  Sidenote: One time, Kevin hung out with a guy at a party who was only drinking from mini-bottles.

Exhibit C:  Beer and wine and liquor have different curfews in Texas. There are times in the evening when you can buy beer and times when you can buy wine and times when you can buy booze and I can’t tell you any of those times because they confuse me.

Exhibit D: In Louisiana (what up Logerots!), you can get minis at the corner store and the passenger in your moving vehicle can drink them. I hope you are going to an airport, because again, minis remind me of planes.

Exhibit E: Ever been to a restaurant in a dry county and ordered a glass of chardonnay?  You have to “join a club.”   That makes no sense to me, unless it is a “small bottles remind me of planes” club. Then I am running for an officer position.