This is a true story. Therefore, it is not PG-rated like most Hil Street posts. This is PG-13. Real life can be PG-13 sometimes, kids. I wish someone would have been with me so that you all would know I am not exaggerating.
Here is the almost-breathless conversation that Mark the Meth Taxi Driver had with me (well, at me) last week. I was ferociously taking notes to document everything he said for you, dear blog reader … and he didn’t even notice. Read this as fast as you can to get the full manic effect:
Woah hello, how are you there, you are nice … Look there is a policeman hiding, do you see him? Do you see him? Do you see him? Look look look … Last time the Copper caught me it cost me $600 dollars. Yep, $600. This is a good job. I make $200 a day. One day I made $500 in one day. Yep, $500. I like to help underprivileged kids. Yep. Do you want a sucker? I have tootsie pops. Do you want one? Oklahoma City is a nice place to live, have you ever been here? “I grew up here.” It’s nice. Is this your first time here? “I grew up …” It’s nice now that they have cleaned up the Sudafed problem. Yep, meth was a problem but now it is solved. I have two dogs. (He throws a picture of a dog at me in the back seat) This isn’t my dog, but he looks like one of my dogs, Fuzzy Bull. I like to save dogs and help kids and stuff. This weekend I am going to bejewel (?) a Volkswagen and let homeless cats live in it. I also bejewel visors and caps and give them to underprivileged kids. I wrote a book and I was in a band (He grabs a harmonica, begins to play a tune for me) I wrote a book and my brother wrote one and he didn’t sell any and I gave mine away to underprivileged kids and he didn’t know what to say and I was like “ha!” (He throws a book of his song lyrics at me) Some of my song lyrics are in this book. (He throws a picture of Chuck Norris at me) I was an extra in movies with Chuck Norris. I work out every day. OW OW OW my finger OW OW OW can you see it it is a spasm. It is a spasm LOOK LOOK it’s from my working out (He gets out drumsticks, removes his hands from the steering wheel and begins to play a little song on it – I guess his hands were feeling better?) I have a TV in here. In the evenings I go home, make some dinner, pet my kitties tell them they are lucky because I work all day for them and then I watch lots of movies. I work out all the time too and do Kung Fu. I am healthy. Nothing can stop me. (He beats on his chest like a gorilla, again removing his hands from the wheel) I used to live in Vegas, but my tires melted. I wish I had a wife. I business wife. I don’t want to work. If I had a business wife I would buy a massage table and cook dinner. I’d treat her like a wife during the week and a mistress on the weekends. Woo! I shouldn’t have said that. (NOW you have a social filter, Mark?) I have a house I might rent it out. Dealers in Vegas make $150,000 a year but my tires melted. Look, there is our river, they trained for the rowing Olympics here. I like water. Don’t take this exit too fast, people try and they don’t make it. My name is Mark. (Thanks for telling me your name, but I feel as if I already know you at this point) I wish I had an old house that looked modern inside. If I had a big house I would have one room that was dirty. Well, it wouldn’t be dirty, because I am clean, but I would have this house and the dirty room which isn’t dirty would be where my horse, if I had one, would stick his head in. In Vegas I owned two night clubs and everyone was like “Mark let’s party!” even the guys wanted to party with me and I would say “stop trying to peter my butt.” So I moved. I also moved because my tires melted.
I had Mark drop me off about two blocks away from my destination.
Keri – he gave me his card if you want a driver this week. I kind of want you to call him so that you can validate my claims that this man is crazy. Although, he might be too busy bejeweling something to talk to you.