Bad Christmas Songs!

So there are plenty of radio stations who only play Christmas music this time of year.  Great!  The problem with this model is … stations have to provide enough Christmas music to fill a month of airtime, 24/7.  There is enough content out there, but some songs are BAD.  Here’s Hil Street’s List of the Worst Christmas Songs Ever.

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Dan Fogelberg, Same Old Lang Syne:
This song has a line about the frozen food section of a grocery store.  I mean  … he sings: 

Met my old lover at the grocery store, The snow was falling Christmas Eve, I stole behind her in the frozen foods, And I touched her on the sleeve … We took her groceries to the checkout stand, The food was totalled up and bagged, We stood there lost in our embarrassment, As the conversation dragged …  

Those are considered “lyrics.” Someone wrote that.  And put it to music. This has no place in a holy holiday created to honor the birth of the world’s savior. Do better.

Celine Dion, Feliz Navidad: 
No, no, no.  Celine – you are French Canadian.  Stop going after the Latina market.  What’s next? Celine’s La Bamba cover album?  Jose Feliciano’s recording of Feliz Navidad is perfect and you are not convincing.  Would Gloria Estefan sing in your language? No.  Hand me some freedom fries.  

Paul McCartney: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time:
Paul.  You have blessed the world with the most innovative music.  You changed music forever.  How did you agree to record this?  You have lost all synthesiser privileges.  I hate to do that to you because we haven’t even met and I’d like our first meeting to be pleasant – but it has to be done.  This song is terrible.  The synthesiser noises from this very song repeat themselves in my nightmares.

Mannheim Steamroller, Christmas Eve:
I want to run a steamroller over the music you call Christmas. 

Faith Hill, Where are you Christmas?:
At the beginning of the song, Faith is distraught because she can’t find Christmas.  A mere two minutes later she finds it.  That is unrealistic.  Maybe it was behind Carrie Underwood’s CMA?

Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Christmas Canon:
Where is Trans-Siberia?  I want to go there and steal your recording equipment.  You took Pachabel’s Canon in D, made it Canon in Crap and now have more airtime than most Christmas songs.  You also lose synthesiser privileges.

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  1. #1 by Steph on November 29, 2007 - 5:59 pm

    Oh my goodness – this post had me laughing at loud! I was laughing so hard I had to share some of the things you had written with one of my co-workers so my spastic fit would make some sense. My fave was the one about the Canon in Crap. Good post Mini-bun!

  2. #2 by Ellie on November 29, 2007 - 5:59 pm

    What a great topic!!

  3. #3 by hilstreet on November 29, 2007 - 6:02 pm

    I’m home sick today – hence the “edgy” post 🙂

  4. #4 by Husbanks on November 29, 2007 - 6:36 pm

    Nice. You referenced Freedom Fries and got a jab in at Faith Hill in the same blog post. Amazing!

    You are the queen of my washing machine.

  5. #5 by Syz on November 29, 2007 - 7:24 pm

    I love Trans-Siberian Orchestra – saw them last year with the whole fam (including fiances and boyfriends). I’ve even considered their arrangement of Canon in D for my own wedding if I had it around Christmas time.

  6. #6 by Suz on November 29, 2007 - 7:25 pm

    BTW Syz = Suz!

  7. #7 by Ellie on November 29, 2007 - 7:33 pm

    Canon in Crap…that’s cheering me up today!!!

  8. #8 by Weslie on November 29, 2007 - 8:40 pm

    Oh SNAP Faith Hill! Hilariously edgy post. I have to admit I like “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time.” I know it’s a horrible hack of a song, but it makes me tap my toes. My 19 yr old self would beat the crap out of my current self based solely on my music preferences.

  9. #9 by hilstreet on November 29, 2007 - 8:53 pm

    Suz – It would be very expensive to fly Trans-Siberian Orchestra to your wedding. Imagine the cost of the plane tickets from Trans-Siberia! Maybe you can have the recording play with a live synthesiser-ist? I won’t take away your synthesiser privileges.

    Weslie – I hear you about the 19-year-old self. I listen to Britney’s Toxic a little too much. Granted, when I was 19, DMB was the “cutting edge” of music so I am not sure that I was even very cool then.

  10. #10 by Ellie on November 29, 2007 - 9:09 pm

    My inner 19-year old self rocks out to Mariah Carey’s Christmas CD. December is the only month of the year that I allow myself to listen to her. And anyways, that CD was made before she started slutting it up.

  11. #11 by Steph on November 29, 2007 - 9:44 pm

    I agree on the listening to Britney too much! I took her Oops album in the car with me this past holiday weekend and was rocking out during my drive home – it reminded of college!

  12. #12 by Ward on November 29, 2007 - 10:25 pm

    Totally with you on the Paul McC one. He and Lennon totally kept one another’s worst musical instincts in check.

  13. #13 by Richard Mireles on November 29, 2007 - 11:19 pm

    Paul McCartney should be beaten severely for making such a horrendous cacophany. Never has a Christmas song wanted to make me put a pistol in my mouth. I hate that song so so much.

  14. #14 by Sammins on November 30, 2007 - 5:22 am

    “Do better.”

    Brilliant!

    I can’t really chime in on the music thing, because I downloaded a remixed version of Toxic just the other day, and I love it…AND I’m not a girl.

  15. #15 by Emilie on November 30, 2007 - 6:12 pm

    I agree that rockin out to Mariah is only warranted during Christmas. I’ll even go so far as to say I look forward to belting out the pivotal transition in the song where I exclaim, beyond my vocal range, or any human being’s, for that matter, that “all I want for Christmaaaaaa—ahhhhaaahahahaaasss…. iihhsss…. YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuUUUUUuuuuUuuu… YuuUUUUUUUuuuuuu…uuuuuuUUUUuuuuUuuuuu.”

  16. #16 by Stacie on November 30, 2007 - 6:20 pm

    Okay. Dan Folgeberg is a classic. I LOVE that song! To top that off, my 2nd favorite christmas song (1st being Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You) is Faith Hill’s ‘Where is Christmas?’. It is from one of the greatest Christmas Movies ever….doesn’t that give it some credence?

  17. #17 by Deirdre on November 30, 2007 - 6:20 pm

    Hil–first of all, I have a Christmas test for you. Play Miss Carey’s “All I want for Christmas” and read along with Emilie’s lines. She spent the last five minutes making sure the capital and lower class letters clearly reflected the actual tone and pitch of the words. Let’s just put it this way — Bailey started jumping on the computer, terrified. I’m pretty sure the vocal legend sitting next to me reached tones only a dog could hear.

    Second, I’m embarrassed to admit the following:

    1) I have a collection of really bad 80s and 90s christmas cds, including NKOTB and Rick Ashley

    2) Last year, my favorite Christmas album was the Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McG’s CD

    3) Sometimes I watch Elf just to see Will Farrel sing, “Baby it’s cold outside.”

    4) Emilie wanted to get a group of friends together to sing carols to kids in the hospital this holiday, but my voice is so bad I volunteered to be Frosty or Rudolph.

    5) I have created an annual Christmas mix tape or CD, depending on the decade, since 4th grade.

    6) I’m hoping that the new choir competition on NBC will have a Christmas episode

    7)This post is way too long. Nobody should be this passionate about Christmas music.

  18. #18 by Ellie on November 30, 2007 - 6:20 pm

    Emilie, that’s awesome!! I love the beginning of the song where she starts off in a husky, smoky voice and then about 10 seconds later, she’s so high she’s shattering glass.

  19. #19 by Stacie on November 30, 2007 - 6:21 pm

    Okay. Dan Folgeberg is a classic. I LOVE that song! To top that off, my 2nd favorite christmas song (1st being Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You) is Faith Hill’s ‘Where is Christmas?’. It is from one of the greatest Christmas Movies ever….doesn’t that give it some credence?

  20. #20 by Deirdre on November 30, 2007 - 6:22 pm

    P.S. Where do I get a remix of Toxic?

  21. #21 by Weslie on November 30, 2007 - 6:59 pm

    Ok, the Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLaughlin Christmas music is AWESOME. My favorite is God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman. SO. GOOD.

  22. #22 by Ellie on November 30, 2007 - 9:03 pm

    What’s the name of the song that asks “Do they know it’s Christmastime?” And are they singing “feed the world” right before asking that question??

    Whatever that song is, I’m not a fan.

  23. #23 by Husbanks on November 30, 2007 - 10:36 pm

    OMG. Ellie. Are you talking about Band Aid’s smash “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”?

    That might be the BEST, most star-packed, x-mas extravaganza…EVER.

    Bono? Sting? Fring’n George Michael…all in one room to cure starvation in Africa??? That, my friend, is both the bee’s knees and the cat’s PJs.
    I might just down load it right now.

    On a side note, thank you Hil Street for bringing together such a diverse group of Christmas music listeners. To me, that’s what it is all about.

    Happy Holidays.

  24. #24 by Suz on November 30, 2007 - 11:31 pm

    No one has yet mentioned quite possibly the awesomest Christmas song of all…El Vez (The Mexican Elvis) does “Feliz Navidad”. Best Christmas Show ever!

    http://www.elvez.net/

  25. #25 by Will on December 2, 2007 - 1:57 pm

    What, 25 posts and no mention of Harry Connick Jr., who writes his own music to celebrate the the season?
    “I Pray on Christmas” anybody? I pray that you open up your hearts and minds to the finest musical talent of our generation, lest (damn, can’t think of anything glib here). Anyway, it’s bad if you don’t listen to him and Hollis will come pee on your fireplace too in protest!

    And Husbanks, I performed the ultimate sacrifice last night, willingly going to a MICHAEL MCDONALD concert so Ellie could impress her boss with what a “cool” and “hip” husband she had.
    Ya mo be der? You know that’s right.

    All the while, No. 2 West Virginia was blowing the biggest game in the history of the world, and now we’re not going to New Orleans.

    Which led to the following comment from my partially drunk wife last night.

    Wifey: “Do you know who (crappy) a week it’s been? Two of my favorite football teams blew it today, and the third one’s best player was shot to death. Why do I even watch football.”

    Oh, one last thing. My fave Christmas standard is O Holy Night. Kinda hard to screw that one up.

  26. #26 by hilstreet on December 2, 2007 - 10:05 pm

    Hil Street’s favorite hymns and other christmas hits coming soon … thanks for all your comments!

  27. #27 by DonnaKat on December 20, 2007 - 2:09 pm

    Let’s not forget “Who Took the Mary Out of Christmas” by the Staple Singers.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  1. The Year of our Lord, 2007 « The Hil Street Journal
  2. Actors, Movies, and Songs » Bad Christmas Songs! The Hil Street Journal

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